I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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