but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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