Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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