Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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