we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wish there were birth control emojis
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
