im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
