I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
