My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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