so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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