I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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