you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He kissed a someone with a penis
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
