I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
