the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
