just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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