1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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