I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
