After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
