everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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