while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
