New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
