sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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