two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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