i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
