Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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