You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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