i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
