just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
