Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
