Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
