My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
