He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
