i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
