He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
