you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
