we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
