6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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