I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
