can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
