Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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