when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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