This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
