I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
