Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
