Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
