Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
