i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
