I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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