spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
