ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
