There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
