I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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